Joining one of the online dating sites has been very good for me, getting over being shy and gaining confidence in myself.  I am a beautiful, passionate woman and there are men out there that appreciate me for me! I've talked to some very nice guys recently and its doing my ego a world of good.   

 

The New Year arrived in a blurr for me.  It seems like I was walking around still in shock.  If I did manage to sleep, it was only for brief periods of time.  The sight of food or the thought of it sickened me.  It was almost a relief for January 2nd to roll around and time to return to work.  Maybe work would provide a relief to the personal hell my home had become.  The loneliness, the never ending thoughts of where was he, what was he doing, why didn't he call?  The obsessing over what did I do wrong?  What's wrong with me that he doesn't love me anymore?  Work did help some, but at times I would find myself sitting in my office crying uncontrollably.  It was hard trying to look and act normal at work.   And then it was the weekend.  Oh how I grew to hate weekends in the weeks to come. 

 

Saturday, January 6, 2007 - the first drill weekend  for his Guard Unit of the new year.  He called and wanted to come talk and pick up some equipment needed for drill.  I was anxious to hear what he wanted to discuss.  He came in, we sat and talked for awhile, mostly about his work, idle chit chat.  Finally I turned the subject to us.  I asked him how much longer he was going to be gone.  He replied something like "not much longer, I'm ready to come home" or something like that.  We talked more.  I offered to go with him to get his stuff at her house, said I would not get out of the truck, but I'd be there for moral support.  I knew he didn't want to hurt her either and that I knew it would be difficult for him.  He said it was something he needed to take care of alone and for the most part I understood. 

 

I remember thanking God for answering my prayers.  I knew we had a long, hard road ahead of us if our marriage could be saved, but at least he was willing to come home now and make an effort.  For the first time in days there was a ray of hope in my life!  I sensed that he needed a little time alone, so I told him I was going to go to town and run some errands and would see him when I got back.  I kissed him and told him I loved him. 

 

When I arrived home I found he had left me a note on the kitchen cabinet.  Something to the effect he was going to go take care of the matter (meaning breaking it off with HER).  Then, most probably the first clue to what was to come.  "Don't worry if I don't come home tonight".  I remember thinking WHAT?  Then as I tried to calm myself and rationalize his words I concluded that given his tendancy to avoid conflict and anything that made him uncomfortable, he was probably going to wait until leaving for drill the next morning, pack his stuff and break it off with her.  That way he wouldn't have to deal with her reaction, whether it be hurt, anger or both. 

 

I went to bed that night hurt, but hopeful.  The next day I kept myself busy, cleaning and cooking so that I would have a hot meal for him when he came in.  The time he would normally come in from drill came and passed, no word from him.  Getting upset and hurt.  It kept getting later and later, still no word.  I guess I called or text messaged him several times and as ususal no response when he didn't want to deal with me or an uncomfortable situtation. 

 

For me the hurt, humiliation and pain was excruciating.  Did I mean so little to him that I didn't even warrant a phone call to say he was sorry but had changed his mind?  Then the thoughts of had I ever meant anything to him?  Who was this man that could be this cruel?  I don't know how I didn't lose my mind that weekend.  At times I would have welcomed death.  I guess the only thing that saved me were prayers and the love and support of my sister, brother-in-law and a very dear friend from work.  The death of my parents was not as painful as this.  How could anyone be this cruel to another human being? 

 

I finally talked to him sometime Monday or Tuesday.  When I asked him what happend all he would say was "I don't know".  I thought to myself "Bullsh*t, you coward.  Something had to have happened, or did you just tell me you were coming home becuase it was what I wanted to hear and you never had any intention of coming home"?  Did you just want to get me out of there so I wouldn't make you feel guilty anymore? 

 

For months I wondered what his true motivation was that day and if he ever did intend to come home.  If he did, what kind of hold did/does this other woman have over him to make him change his mind?  He's never told me the true story and I guess I'll never really know.  I'm the type of person that would rather know what I'm dealing with, even if I do get hurt than have the "what if's, what did I do's" eat away at me. 

 

So now you know most of my sad little story.  I could fill in the blanks of some of the days and weeks ahead, but they were filled for the most part with pain, depression, many, many tears, humiliation and a withdrawal from  the outside world.  The only people who knew at that point were my sister and her family, my boss and my friend Sherri.  There was some unwavering belief in me that we were meant to be together and that God would bring us back together.  I didn't want to deal with the prying and well meaning sympathies of other friends and extended family.  Plus there was the little bit of hope in the back of my mind that he would come home. 

     He admitted the affair and told me a little about her.  Said he hadn't felt the same way about me for quite some time.  We talked some.  It was very painful for me to hear the words and try to process what he was saying.  Alternating feelings of pain and numbness, silent tears streaming down my cheeks, almost nonstop.  He finally couldn't take the pressure of my presence and wanting answers anymore. Said he had to get out of there for awhile.  He grabbed his keys and was gone.  He was gone all night, no phone call anything.  I think I did text message him and he responded that he was okay.  The knowlege that he was probably with her eating away at my soul, wrenching my heart in two.  The ever present tears.  Needing to talk to someone, and needing comfort that maybe things would work out and he'd come to his senses and come home to me.  But I couldn't bring myself to reach out to anyone.  Hoping that it was all just a mistake and not wanting to worry my sister or involve others in our personal problems.  No sleep at all, I had to be in almost constant motion, cleaning, thinking, trying not to think at other times because the truth was just too much to accept and the pain was almost more than I could bear. 

 

Sat. Dec. 23, 2006

 

   Somehow I made it though the night.  I was sitting on the couch drinking a cup of tea when he finally came home midmorning.  He walked in quitely and removed his sunglasses.  Then he said in a half irritated manner "I can't do it, I tried to leave you but I can't do it".  He hugged me and held me tightly.  Feelings of overwhelming relief on my part and hope, thanking God!  But also the thoughts of how are we going to put this back together?  Can it ever be the same or repaired?  God, please I hope so, help us I prayed.  We talked a lot throught the next few days, being honest with each other, examining the relationship, where we each went wrong, etc.  There were awkward times, but overall he was doing pretty good for a day or so.  He said he had feelings for both of us and he didn't know what he wanted.  Me, trying to be  understanding, pick every word carefully so as not to be overly unkind or critical.  I wanted to get my point and feelings across, yet not close any doors that couldn't be opened again in the hope that we could salvage our love and marriage.  Then I could feel and see the depression creeping over him.  He was thinking about HER, not me, not wanting to be with me. 

 

    It is so painful when  you realize that the person you love beyond anything and that you would make any sacrifice for doesn't feel the same about you anymore.  But looking back now, I think I put more into the relationship and marriage emotionally than Marc ever did.  Maybe he wasn't kidding when he used to jokingly say, "Its all about me baby"! 

 

Christmas Eve

 

    A miserable day and evening.  I'd started a tradition for us when we married of fixing us a nice Christmas eve meal for just the two of us.  Candlelight, the works.  We always have Christmas day dinner or lunch at my sister's.  We always planned around Marc's work schedule so we could all be together since we are basically all the family we have.  This year's Christmas eve meal was as I said, miserable.  I don't even know why I made the effort.  Very silent, stained and uncomfortable.  I remember jumping up at one point and running to the bathroom to cry.  He just sat there, looking guilty and not even acknowledging my leaving or the tears.  We opened gifts before he went to work as was our custom.  You could tell he put very little thought and effort into buying anything for me, all very impersonal items you might buy a distant relative or stranger.  I wondered what he bought her.  He certainly went on enough "shopping" trips all throughout December.  I realize now he was spending ever increasing amounts of time with her.  How I grew to hate that woman in those days.  I spent way more on him than I intended, not having a clue of the immident doom that would befall our marriage.  Knowing how much he loved riding his Harley I bought him a full rain suit so he'd have it to use as soon as the weather warmed up enough to ride in the spring.  I also bought him among other things the Harley jacket he wanted.     He left for work, really not much to say to me.  I remember wondering if he would be home the next day. 

 

Christmas Day

 

     I sat up all night listening to the George Strait CD he got me, crying.  Around dawn I finally laid down but couldn't sleep.  Morning came and the time for him to normally be in from work came and passed.  Of course, not even the courtesy of a phone call.  Finally at about 2 p.m. the phone rang and it was him.  He wanted to know what time we were eating.  He was on his way home.    There are almost no words to describe the pain, hurt and rejection I felt inside. Also, words cannot express the contempt I felt for him and her, knowing he had come straight from his mistresses arms after going straight to her on Christmas morning.  I wanted to die right then and there.  God help me the though of hurting my self crossed my mind.   Looking back I think the only thing that kept me from putting myself out of this misery was knowing I couldn't cause my sister and her two boys that much pain and trauma and leave them behind to deal with that.  Christmas with the family was horrendous.  Trying to act normal and happy around everyone.  At that time I didn't think anything would ever be "normal" again. 

 

    Thankfully I had taken vacation from Dec. 22nd through December 31st.  There is no way I could have went to work and functioned thoughout this time.  The next week passed in a blurr of shock and pain.  I turned to God a lot thankfully.  So many prayers, almost unceasing, never ending prayers.  I prayed until I didn't know exactly what to pray for any more.  All I knew is I wanted the man I loved and our marriage back.  We tried to put it back together.  Honest discussions, spending quality time together, an outing to Parkersburg that weekend to see a movie and eat out.  It gave me some hope we could repair the damage.  I could sense at times he was thinking about her, but I honestly thought he agreed that what we had, and all the time and work we had invested in our love and marriage was worth trying to find our way back to each other.  We made plans to have my sister and her husband up for New Year's eve and eat and play cards.    The day dawned and you could tell he was depressed, thinking about her and not wanting to be with me.  Finally late in the afternoon he couldn't take it anymore, he said he had to get out of there for a few days and think.  He packed a small bag and left.  I thought that was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life that day, trying to be understanding and give him the time and space that he needed to decide who he wanted to spend his life with.  It was killing me inside.  Little did I know that this only set the stage for the most cruel thing any human being could ever do to me emotionally.  More to come...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  At the request of a friend I'm going to make a start here.  Where to start?  I guess on the day that would have been kinder to have killed me outright rather than shred my heart and very being and throw me into an unbelieveable agony. 

 

December 22, 2006

 

The day my whole world came crashing down around me.  It had been building for weeks.  The moodiness, refusing to open up and tell me what was bothering him.  The not wanting to do much at all, or anything with me.  Not even Christmas shopping which he'd always instisted we go out and do together.  Something more than the depression around the holidays of having no surviving family except for an estranged father that he has no idea where he is or if he's even still living.  It was supposed to be be a somewhat normal day.  I was scheduled for a routine medical procedure and he had taken the day off to take me and drive me home.  Just a simple biopsy of a couple of lumps on my stomach.  I knew he was probaby tired of my unexpected and it seemed never ending medical concerns of the past 2½ years, but things were finally stabilizing and this should have been nothing.  I thought we'd be in and out of there in an hour tops and then we could do some "browsing" and window shopping like we liked to do together and it would be a good day. 

 

Upon awakening early I started get ready to go.  He just kept laying in bed.  I reminded him was time to get up and go.  Little or no response.  "What's wrong?  Pelase tell me?"  Silence.  The feeling of resentment radiating out towards me.  Hurt and not understanding what was happening on my part.  "Do you not want to go?  I can take myself".  No response but finally gets out of bed.  The 30 miles to Charleston was uncomfortable.  Little or no conversation. I can remember looking out the window, trying not to let him see the tears streaming down my face.  I know he doesn't like it when I cry, but I can't help it. 

 

Inside the hospital, sign in.   He won't even make eye contact with me.  I'm silent but screaming inside - "Damn you!  What is wrong?"  They are ready for me.  I hand him my coat, watch and rings to keep for me.  Even my wedding band, which I never take off except for reasons such as this.  Still won't look at me.  Leaning back with his head against the wall with his eyes shut like he's trying to sleep.  I'm fighting tears again and not being very successful.  Something is terribly, horribly wrong and I don't know what it is.  But I know the awlful feeling in my inner core is growing. 

 

They take me back, get me ready and on the table.  Just a local so I'll be awake the whole time. After what I've been through over the years normally this would be nothing to me.  A breeze.  Can't fight the tears.  Nice male nurse.  "Are you okay?  Can I do anything for you?"  "No, I'm okay, really" I reply.  More tears.  Calling upon every ounce of self control that I have, but it isn't working.  Nurse - "Are you sure you are okay, would you rather do this another day?"  Me thinking, are you kidding?  "No, lets get this over with" I say.  More tears, slowly running down my face.  At least I can cry quietly while I'm laying there totally embarressed and humilitated.  Thinking oh please dont' be nice to me mister, it will only make me cry more, really it will! 

 

Doctor finally arrives, and starts.  At least he's kind enough to pretend there isn't a lady crying her eyes out on his table while he performs a simple procedure.  He and the nice male nurse are trying to get me talking to them about normal things.  Still crying but trying to pull it together to get out of there with some dignity and before they think I need a straight jacket.  They are talking about the the doctor's Christmas card and they show me, I glance up to where they pointing to the wall slightly behind me to the left.  All six young children recreating the nativity.  Very original and beautiful. 

 

We are finally almost done.  Dr. leaves and nice male nurse bandaging me up and talking to me.  "Did anyone ever tell you have beautiful eyes?  "I noticed them when you looked up at me".  "Thank you".  Remember thinking how could they be all red and puffy, unless it makes them look more blue.  Uncomfortable trip home, very few words exchanged.  Walking from room to room staring out the windows.  Obvious he doesn't want to be here.  Lays across the bed face down, depression radiating out in waves.  "What's wrong?  Look  at me.  What is wrong?  No response.  LOOK AT ME more forcefully.  Finally he turns and I don't know where the words came from or how they came out of my mouth, but I knew them to be true.  "Who is she?"  He didn't even bother trying to deny it...(to be continued)